Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Some of my older writings

It's another dark September night, and it's raining; lightly... but enough.
Enough that I can hear it hit the window pane.
The streets are lined with puddles now,
that reflect the glow of the street lights.
The grass moves slightly as the wind brushes over it.
The walls crackle every time the wind picks up.
For a moment my heart is lustful and searching for answers.
Answers to the emptiness that it often feels.
It's on these dark rainy nights that my heart aches for completion.
Something that will connect with it,
to keep it from fading into the darkness of these cold September nights.

I think I've lost that connection...
I'm a drifter.
I obviously can't stick with things...
I have problems with commitments,
and I think it's starting to effect me.
Almost every sport I've been in...
I quit...
I gave up.
Everytime I promise to keep doing something...
eventually I don't.
If I want to wake up early...
I'll tell myself the night before that no matter what, I was going to get up...
but when that alarm goes off,
I don't do it.
I give in to my sleep.
I hate that fact about me!
I can't save money..
I struggle to keep jobs...
I never wanted to get up and go to school...
and it's going to drag me down soon,
and I'm scared of that.
I don't want to fail!
I want to commit,
and stay with school and my career choices.
I'm sick of being a quitter!
The worst of all...
is my faith.
There are those times in my life,
where I'll be really close to God,
and I'll be this crazy, on-fire christian,
and then....
it stops and I don't worry about it anymore,
well... I'm tired of it all!
I want to be commited to God!
I need help to do it,
so I am praying that he'll give me strength!
Strength to keep my word...
and to save money,
and work hard,
and not give up...
Strength to wak up early, and eagerly,
and strength to pull my crap together and go to school...
and stay there...
and work hard,
and stick with my commitments,
and duties,
and responsibilities,
and when I want to do something....
strength to actually do it!

It's good to hear your voice
to hear you say that you missed me.
The words "I'm sorry"
never sounded so sincere.
It takes me back to the times
when holding your hand really meant something to me.
I wanted to be with you
but I was scared to have someone be important to me.
I didn't want to hurt you,
but I didn't want you to be close enough
to hurt me.
I've called you,
but you never returned the favor.
You didn't want to talk to me.
You were afraid to let me back in.
Now what do we do?
We've told our stories,
we've said our sorries,
but what's left?
Do we start over?
Or do we leave it as it is.
I care for you still
and I believe that you care for me in return.
But where does that lead?
What is to become of this?
Maybe tomorrow we will decide,
but tonight it's late,
so until then....
I've missed you.

A smile takes over,
when I hear that name.
I get a feeling inside,
when I think of your face.
Something inside me feels lighter.
It would be a lie to say
I don't think about you a lot.
I feel happy when I think about you
and I love that feeling!
So I bascially told you today...
I'm not sure if you really knew what I was saying,
but I like to believe that you did.
After that...
the conversation picked up pace.
Questions were easier,
and more frequent,
and responses were coming quicker.
The mood lightened,
and the conversation flowed better...
or at least I like to think so.
To be honest,
I like to think that you like me
and that something will spark between you and me,
but in all honesty...
I have no idea what is going through your mind.
I want to know if you've thought about me...
or if you are tonight.
I have so many questions
that I would love to ask you...
but the words are more difficult to find.
Girls have a tendency to be confusing and frustrating,
and here is part of why that is.... (well for me at least)...
I don't want to be too forward
and I don't want to be blunt...
incase it comes to you as a shock
and maybe freaks you out a little...
so I try to hint at things
and be incognito about them...
I don't want you to know what I'm asking,
but then again I do.
The way I work is basically like that.
I'm not blunt at all,
I'm sneaky.
I pick my words and sentences carefully...
This fact about me applys to many situations...
and I know it's kind of dumb,
and a stupid way of saying what should be said,
but that pretty much explains me,
and how I function.

Oh, just to show you how often and randomly you cross my mind...
after all of my side tracking...
you popped right back into my mind,
along with the smile on my face,
and that cool feeling inside.

See what worries me is that I might come across too strong.
I'm afraid that if you knew all of this,
you would be like, "WOW!"
And I know I probably get too attached
and too hopeful...
but what else should happen?
Should I be hesitant about you,
and then just not be confident about anything...
then how would I ever get anywhere?
Well I am off to think more about that name and face,
and especially those eyes.

(This is just something I wrote... I have never been suicidal... I just had an inspirational moment that I felt like writing... and this is what came from it.)

Looking in on a realm of depression
I find myself hiding again
In an attempt not to breach a point of confession
my fears and desires are one in the same.
In a world of insanity is where my mind falls
every uneven thought pushes me closer
to a world where I cannot change.
My heart is racing and you aren't giving up.
I'm breathing and screaming
but it's all just too much
I'm ready to quit
to call it all off
to end everything
especially my thoughts.
They push and they pull
and I keep growing weak.
Soon it'll be
just another sad week
when classmates and friends
all join in the gym
to pay their respects
to another lost kin.
I'm slipping through this world
into another
hoping i'll soon get better.
When things aren't right
I stumble all over
and try to cover it up
but deep down inside,
it just piles and piles
until it all ends
with a shot!

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